I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My work here is done
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I am patiently waiting for your email
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.