My blood type is coffee.
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too