I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You Might Also Like
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”