When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”