No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
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*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody