1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
You Might Also Like
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.