*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
You Might Also Like
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
is this a warning or an offer?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I want to meet the individual who made this
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Where’s my employee discount too?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.