There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.