If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
You Might Also Like
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
me doing my best
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.