why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.