“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
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When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Gods work.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!