Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Current mood: Potato
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*