I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.