if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
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Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Otters see a butterfly.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.