He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
LMAO.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Practicing safe sax
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit