Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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LMAO
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation