Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Damn what did I do next
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10