They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
early stone age tool
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
#math
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies