It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
This could be us but you eatin’
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end