HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces