One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
You Might Also Like
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
United Steaks of America
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*