My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.