You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night