Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
True statement👍😏😁
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
groan^2
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.