“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Wednesday
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*