*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.