i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
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Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
<—- homeless romantic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!