I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Love it! 👍😂
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I’m Sold!
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.