Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
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Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.