Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me