Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
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Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Pringles
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer