“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
You Might Also Like
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Stick it to the man
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)