me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
You Might Also Like
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?