My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)