My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
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Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
he looks great for his age
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.