The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
You Might Also Like
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Yup
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister