Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
any last words?