[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.