The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.