Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
At least he brought enough for everyone
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.