Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS