Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Dammit Chief not again
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Seems a bit forward