Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
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if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING