I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex