My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
just witnessed a drug deal
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him