Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.