I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
You Might Also Like
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
felt that
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question