MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.