The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I love twitter
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.