incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
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I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison